Let’s get personal

Yeah.  I said it.  This blog has been about…. the physical and mental challenge of yoga so far.  I have avoided talking about personal things.  I have avoided discussion of the emotional impact of yoga.  Now it’s time to get personal, because that is a big part of how this class tonight went for me.

I knew it was going to be a tough class from the start.  We began with the breathing exercises and 6 breaths in I was gasping for air already.  Partly I think it’s that I’m a little bit under the weather (with a cold no less and only allowed to nose breathe? ugh…), but partly it’s that yoga makes you release all the toxins out of your body.  Yoga makes you release all the toxins out of your body, but in order for that to happen, they have to flow through your body, which means you have to experience them and that can often be painful.  Bikram always says that the poses that are the most challenging, the ones that hurt the most are the ones that you need the most.  I have always kind of thought of this as being purely physical, but tonight it got very emotional.

Maybe I have been holding on to a lot more than I thought I was.  I actually made it through the standing series, but right after tree pose, lying in my savasana (dead body pose), it was all I could do to not burst out crying.  I am not a person who cries a lot, or who cries easily.  I am a person who distracts herself, moves forward, dislocates herself from her problems, but I found myself lying in my yoga class with tears in my eyes and I didn’t know why.  Then I started thinking.  I started accepting that this pain that I was feeling (and it was a deep, emotional pain) was just like the physical pain I was in during certain postures.  I thought to myself that in order to get stronger, I was going to have to be present and feel this pain… and do you know what?  I started realizing (really really realizing) that it was ok to be sad… because I have done a lot the past few months.  I am coming off of a broken engagement, moving away from everything I know and love, missing all of my best friends in the world, jobless (and other things but let’s not wallow too much)… and aside from all that, even if none of that was there, it would still be ok to cry.

So this class, tonight, for me, was about realizing the appropriateness of being sad sometimes, and crying sometimes.  I thought a lot about the importance of being present, and allowing one’s self to feel whatever is there.  My very first yoga instructor ever once told us to stop  categorizing our feelings.  She said there are feelings.  There are no bad or good feelings, just feelings.  She said if you are feeling pain, allow yourself to experience those sensations without categorizing them, and you will be suprised how much you can handle.  I’m allowing myself to be present now, and I think that will do a lot for my psyche.  I didn’t just expel physical toxins tonight, I expelled emotional toxins as well.

So why get personal now?  Why expose my innermost feelings to the world wide web?  I guess I hope that other yoga practitioners, and anyone else who is reading this, might realize that it’s ok to expel some toxins of their own.  Maybe I am looking to see whether or not I am alone in feeling this way.  Maybe I am running out of people who will listen and I am throwing my thoughts out into the ether in hopes that someone will catch them and say “I get it.”  Either way, it feels like the right thing to do tonight.

Sincerely,

-C

 

A New Day for Yoga

As some of you may know, over the past few months, I have fallen off the wagon when it comes to my yoga practice.  I basically stopped going more than once a week, then moved to Seattle, and didn’t go to a single class until this past week, and let me tell you:  my body knows it.

While I still feel good after a class, and I still enjoy the workout, I have been feeling very differently than I used to.  Now I know I don’t usually make body or weight-based goals, but I have gained a lot since Joe and I broke up, and I don’t like it one bit.  I can wallow and sigh and make excuses that I was going through a rough time, but I know better.  “I’m doing my best is an excuse used by people who are weak” – Bikram.  I haven’t been doing my best.  I haven’t been coping my best.  I haven’t been my best, and I have absolutely no excuse for that.  So I guess, since I am so anti body goals, my goal will be to do my best.  My goal will be to do my best and mean it.

When I left for Seattle, one of my friends in Vancouver asked me “what are you going to do?”  and I answered “I’m going to set goals and then I am going to meet them.”  I think back on that and wonder if I’ve let myself down in that way so far.  My lack of goal setting, my lack of drive, could be contributing to my overwhelming sense of being directionless.  I set these half-baked, random idea-goals and then I have no follow through, which leads me to be very discouraged.  “You want the key to success in life? Lock the fucking knee.” – Bikram again said this.  By going to class, I started trying to lock my knee.  By setting realistic goals, I will continue trying to lock the knee.  When my knee is locked, I am confident that things will fall into place for me.  I know everything will work out if I just lock the knee.

I need new perspective, new motivation.  I need to stop wallowing in self pity and proclaiming to be “doing my best.”  I want to actually be my best.  I encourage anyone reading this to ask himself what his best actually is, and what excuses he is making for not being there.

Happy Halloween!

-C

 

Craving balance!

So I’m sitting at my desk at my (relatively) new job.  Did you look at what time this was posted?  Does it seem early to be working?  It is.  I’m on the graveyard shift.  This whole nocturnal existence I’m trying to live is challenging.  I forget which day it is, and what morning went with what afternoon, and what meal I ate last.  Then of course there’s the challenge of actually achieving sleep whilst the kids upstairs run around and cry, and *some people* try to clean the apartment for mom and dad’s visit, and the phone’s ringing and… oh I could go on and on.

Of course anyone who has read this blog (or, say, the title of this blog) knows what the prescription for this problem is:  yoga.  I need some center and balance in my life!  I need help regulating my sleep cycles!  I neeeeed my yoga.  Not to mention, it also helps me keep some kind of schedule.

My life is in a flux of change at the moment, and I can’t tell you enough how I rely on the Bikram’s series to keep me physically, mentally, and emotionally grounded.  I don’t usually go into personal details on this blog, but I will say this:  I will not be sharing my toothpaste with anyone for the foreseeable future… and that is absolutely amazing.

-C

 

“The Gym” is not a 4-letter word

But it really should be!  Joe has been working out a lot lately, but with everything else going on in my life I have let yoga taper off a bit.  I have started to forget what I learned during my challenge, and that is that there are no excuses ever (reference basically every day 1-30 post for more info).  I know it makes me feel better about my body, it makes my mind calmer, it makes me a better person.  period. Lately, however, I have been allowing myself to slide down the slippery slope of laziness, and  so I thought to myself “well maybe I don’t have 1 1/2 hours for a yoga class, but I can do a 30 minute work out at the gym with Joe!”

So I put on my work out clothes, walk the block to the gym, pay my 5$ for a drop in, and as I walk out of the smelly locker room into the chaos that is machinery… the hamster wheel – like tread mills and elliptical machines I remember how much I HATE the gym.

I know some people thrive on that chaos.  It gets them pumped up and motivated.  For me it was slightly traumatic.  Going to a place like that actually makes me feel worse about myself.  It makes me want to go home , wrap myself in a blanket, and eat a bag of chips… or a brownie.  My comfort zone consists of order, calmness, zen.  The gym is not zen.  On top of that it is so so so ****ing booooring!  (There’s a four letter word for you!).

Yoga suits me because it is a perfect balance of challenging and soothing, it takes focus, builds self confidence, and increases health and quality of life.  I guess it took cheating to bring me back to my one true love.

I’m going to yoga tomorrow with or without a yoga buddy.  I need to do it for myself, and going to the g** made me realize that.

-C

 

Yoga After the Challenge

So after completing the challenge I did take some time off.  After a few days I went back and I was hoping I would feel better.  Remember how I was talking about it sometimes being good to take a break and come back to something?  Well when I came back that wasn’t really the case, but that’s ok.  My balance will just have to be something that improves with hard work over time.

In Seattle I ended up trying a Bikram’s class not at The Sweat Box, but at Laurelhurst Hot Yoga.  I’m not sure how I felt about it.  First of all, the class is in a very small room, that is kept quite dark.  It was very warm and dark and cozy feeling, which would be fine – if I wanted to snuggle down and take a nap this would be perfect.  It felt like it was incongruent with the feeling of Bikrams though.  Bikram’s yoga is about bright lights, loud noise, and high energy.  It was hard to keep my energy up when I felt like the room was so quiet and dark.  It just didn’t mesh right.  Second of all the studio had a funny feeling to it.  Like something was just a bit off, but I don’t think it was the studio’s fault, I think it’s just that Bikrams is such a ritual for me that anything different threw me for a loop. It’s like Katie told this story:  she used to teach Ballet and she would sometimes switch it up and start on the left side of the body rather than the right – just for fun.  So she asked Bikram if she could do that when she taught yoga, and he said “does the sun ever rise in the West?”  Point being, it is just a natural order of doing things.  Part of the Bikram’s experience is the tradition and the ritual of it, and I think it really goes beyond just the order of the poses.  In addition to all this though, the room really wasn’t set up well and the heat was dry and inconsistent; higher in the room it was sweltering while lower down it was cold!  I’m sad I didn’t get to try out The Sweat Box, but the snow really kept me stranded for most of the time.  Either way, I’m glad to be home and I am excited to be taking classes in my own studio again.

Since I stopped going every day it has been pretty easy for me to go 3 or 4 times a week, but I still have the same challenges.  Wanting to make excuses to skip doesn’t go away just because I’m not going every day, but I have definitely learned how to overcome that impulse, and that is a valuable skill to have not just in yoga, but in life.

Tonight I am taking a new person with me to yoga (I know I am allllways taking new people), this person is special!  She is our Delta Gamma Collegiate Development Consultant (CDC), Katie.  I love taking new people, and it is fun to get to share a big part of my life with someone who is so important to Delta Gamma.

Om!

-Claire

 

So… I’m done.

I completed my thirty day challenge.  I’m done.  Today was the last day.  And my last class was…. just like any and every other class.

I was kind of disappointed.  I thought for some reason this class would feel different.  But you know what?  Just because it felt the same… no major breakthroughs, no epiphanies… doesn’t mean I haven’t accomplished something.  Because I have definitely made an accomplishment.  I’ve challenged myself, I’ve met the challenge, I’ve changed my mind and my body, I’ve found strength within myself that I didn’t know was there.

I can honestly say now that I have done yoga.  I’ve done it in the rain, I’ve done it in the snow, and I’ve done it in the sun.  I’ve done it sick and healthy and everything in between.  I’ve done it on lazy days, and I’ve done it on the busiest days of the year.  I have definitely done some yoga.

People keep asking me what now?  Will I keep going a lot?  What will I do after my challenge?  Well of course I’m going to keep going!  I have found the best exercise in the whole world.  I’m going to keep going.  Maybe not every single day.  I actually think taking a day off here and there will be a good thing for me.  It will give me time to reflect and relax.  It will give my body time to recover and regain strength and stamina.  I think taking a day off here and there will be good.

But having done thirty days in a row has been an amazing experience and I really hope that some month you will give it a try.

I’ve learned so much about myself and so much about my body.  I feel like a different person now… and it only took a month.

You can keep reading, because I will keep writing.  I still have a lot more to say about yoga… and I still have a long way to go with my practice.

Thanks for reading along this past month!  And thanks for your support!

Now I’m gonna go get ready for my Christmas party.

-Claire

 

Class # 28

Hello,

I went to class today and was discouraged to find that I was once again losing my balance.  It is so frustrating to be having this problem so late in the game, especially when it didn’t affect me in the beginning.  I guess I can see it two ways.  I can look at it as improvement:  I’m losing my balance because I’m pushing myself harder, finding my edge, and challenging my limits.  This could be causing my postures to be in constant fluctuation; this could make me be having to constantly reassess and scan my body to find balance.  I could also see this problem as regression:  my failure to be focused, be in the moment, and be aware of my body, also a way for me to make excuses to get out of a posture when the going gets tough.

I could also look at it as a combination.  As I start challenging myself more physically it demands more of me mentally.  Pushing the posture harder makes it that more important for me to be totally present in my body, constantly scanning for balance, muscle use, and alignment.  In my last two classes I would like to try and be fully present in my practice, fully aware of my body, and try to be as successful as possible as I finish out my challenge.

In my last class I did something I would never have dreamed of doing 4 weeks ago, and that is I wore a sports bra to class.  As in just a sports bra without a shirt.  First of all, I just want to say that I am really proud of myself for finding the confidence to do this.  I am a pretty modest person, and I have always been especially self conscious about the upper half of my body for about my entire post-pubertal life. Doing this yoga has given me such an appreciation for my body, and what it can do for me, it has increased my self confidence ten fold.

More importantly though than this small achievement of self confidence, is what it taught me about my postures.  I was able to see the way my body was moving, in particular my spine, in a very clear way.  Doing half moon, I noticed I have been really collapsing into my lower back flexibility in the past.  I was able to see a huge difference as I pulled in my stomach a lot more, and really reached up and over as opposed to just over.  It was much more of a gentle curve rather than an angle which I was getting before.  Camel was also a new experience for me.  The teacher helped me during my third set to get the posture just right and I was amazed at how different it felt.  Contracting my glutes helped me stay in place from the hips down and allowed me to get a lot more movement through the spine, and felt a lot better on my lower back.

I can’t wait to finish off my challenge.  I already feel so accomplished!  2 classes left!

-Claire

 

Day 26 today: One room, six people, drastic improvement

Hello fellow yogis and non-participatory yoga enthusiasts,

I know I haven’t written in a while – it’s because of finals.  I can barely find and hour and a half to go to class and then writing about it afterward?  Forget about it.  But, well, here I am writing about it.

Last night I took the 11:15 class, which I haven’t done before.  Kristine and I came to the conclusion that a person who took the 11:15 class must either have no life (and thus nowhere to wake up and go the next day), or just be kind of dumb.  Actually, as it turns out, the class was amazing.  There were seven people including me in the room, we all got a front row space, Katie was teaching, and it was the best class I have had in a long time.

The past week or so I have really been struggling with a lot of different issues.  I think it started with my back hurting so much and I kind of lost faith in the yoga a bit.  Then I started losing my balance a lot, losing my focus on the class, and not finding the experience quite as rewarding.  Last night, being so close and really being able to connect to myself in the mirror and really see my body, I feel like I kind of found my yoga again.  I felt very focused on myself and on the poses.  I was so in the moment that when we had finished the floor series I was surprised, because I just wasn’t thinking that way last night.

In terms of Katie’s teaching style, I really appreciate it.  I think of all the teachers I have taken classes from, she is the best at reminding me that the yoga is all about me.  I’m not doing it for the teacher, for any of the other students in the class, for anyone but myself.  She said two things last night that I really liked.  The first was “I don’t have to make the class hard, it’s already hard enough.”  This just reminded me to push myself, work hard for myself, and not rely on others to do it for me.  A lot of the instructors will call you out, ask you to do things you haven’t done before, and sometimes I like the encouragement, but especially lately as I have been doing modified postures to reduce my back pain, I don’t like it when they ask me to do things without knowing where I’m coming from, or what’s going on with me.  Sometimes they do know about my back and they have their own opinion about what I can do in the class, how I can do the posture.  I appreciate Katie’s belief in me to pace myself, and her respect for the fact that I know my body better than anyone else.

The other thing she said that I really liked, which also kind of goes along the same lines, is that “yoga is the only activity where the goal is you.”  She explained how in soccer the goal is to get the ball in the net, for example, but in yoga the goal is to improve yourself, which is pretty unique in terms of physical activity.

Speaking of my back, it is feeling so much better.  I have basically stopped putting any pressure on my back during forward bending by keeping my hands on the floor supporting some of my weight (in separate leg stretching pose and in hands to feet pose), and completely avoiding rabbit pose altogether, modifying half tortoise by not pushing my knees together and focusing on keeping my head below my heart.  I think it helps really understanding the goal behind each posture, for example in standing separate leg head to knee pose, it can stretch your legs and back, but the point of it is compression of the neck and abdomen to improve the endocrine and adrenal systems (among other things).  So I can do that pose, and focus on the compression and just bend my knee a lot to take the pressure off my back, as well as helping myself back up into a standing position to take the strain off my lower back.  For rabbit pose, I just generally do a second and third set of camel instead.  Backward bending is good.  I also really work hard in the spine strengthening series.  I’m hoping to increase the flexibility of my hamstrings, without over-stretching my back, and increase my spinal strength a lot, and I think that will heal my back.

I’m almost done with my thirty days, and I have seen such a huge change in myself, not just in my body, which has changed a lot, but also in my lifestyle and  in my outlook on things in life.  Last night Katie said to take some pictures of ourselves doing poses now (camel, standing bow, standing head to knee), and then take more in a year and see what a huge improvement you’ve made and how much your body has changed.  I think that if I had done that at the beginning of the month and now I would already see an incredible difference.  I know my postures have improved a lot, and my body shape is changing.  I’m so much healthier than I was 4 weeks ago.

Happy holidays everyone!  I am so excited to go home and spend Christmas with my family.   Katie recommended The Sweat Box in Seattle, so I’m planning on giving that one a try.  She said there’s also a good one in fremont, so we’ll see!

here is some adorable-ness before I go.  Have a great end of the week!  I’m done with my challenge on Monday!

Lily

 

Days 16, 17, and 18… check! followed by: Is Bikram’s Yoga Mean?

Hello!

So a few things have been going on the last few days (apart from finals… why I haven’t been posting daily).  First of all, my back became a problem.  I started to wonder why it seemed to be getting worse and not better, so I decided to ask Katie about it.  She suggested that I do only the back ward bends and spinal twists and skip the forward bending all together.  I decided to go for it, since that is what my doctors told me so many years ago when I first became injured:  no forward bending!  The good news is, it has completely worked after a total of two classes with no forward bending, I am back pain free.  The bad news is, it is really disappointing not to be able to completely participate.  I am trying so hard to get over myself, not let myself be competitive, stay humble about my practice, but it is really hard.  Do you remember before how I wrote about part of the discipline is knowing when to stop or not do something?  This is definitely testing my will in this aspect.  Bikram says part of the practice is learning to feel comfortable in uncomfortable situations, and it was definitely an uncomfortable situation tonight when everyone was bending forward, and I was standing there upright like a tree in a field.  I treated that uncomfortable feeling as part of my practice though, and tried to work through those uncomfortable feelings by focusing only on myself and not fidgeting, trying to just breathe and stay calm.

I have been able to modify some of the postures so I can do them.  For example, in standing head to knee pose, I am locking my standing leg and bringing my other leg up so that my knee is at a 90 degree angle, but just not bending forward to hold onto my foot.  I am just going to try to focus a lot on my abdominal strength,  and keeping those muscles contracted, and also really try to work on y backward bending and  really really work my ass off in the spinal strengthening series, and then after 5 or maybe even more classes, I will try some of the forward bending again.  Knowing that I can fix the pain with just one or two classes of no forward bending increases my confidence about trying again, because I know I can fix it.  Especially if I really take it easy.

I wanted to quickly address the issue of Bikram’s Yoga being a mean practice.  I was talking to my mom on the phone tonight, and she said that my aunt had tried Bikram’s and thought that the instructors were mean.  She said they yelled at her, they were harsh on other students, and they made the class unenjoyable.

When people hear “yoga,” they think relaxation, calmness, soothing, and resting.  Bikram’s yoga is not that kind of yoga.  I can imagine it would be difficult going into a class if you didn’t know what to expect, because it is really unlike anything else I have ever done.  (I guess the closest thing I can think of to it was doing Mrs. Han’s pointe class in high school:  she yelled at us a lot).   In the class, the instructors are loud, the lights are bright, and it is fast paced.  It is not a time to relax, it is a time to work.  The relaxation comes from the fact that you are working so so  so hard that you can’t think about anything – not your problems, not your job, not your name.

The teachers do try to make you work harder, so that you are stronger, so that you get more out of the class.  Some people don’t like them yelling “lock your knees lock your knees last chance to lock the knees!”  but I find it motivational.  Part of the meditation is letting the teacher be your mind, and letting your body just follow what they say.  If the teachers weren’t telling you what to do constantly how would your body know what to do?

Yoga to me is like a 90 minute pep talk.  I like hearing the teacher remind me I can do anything.  I like hearing a reminder of how strong I am, how much this is benefiting me.  I think it’s great.

My mom also said she couldn’t imagine how this yoga could possibly be burning so many calories, it’s just yoga.  She wondered how someone could work that hard if they aren’t running on a treadmill or lifting weights.  She is going to come to a class with me this month… and she’s in for a wake up call!  This is not your stereotypical yoga: get ready for the work out of your life!

 

Can you do yoga with an injury?

The short answer is yes.

I was inspired to write this after looking at the stats on my blog, and finding that a lot of the search terms people were using to find this blog were things like:

“yoga too hard on lower back”

“Triangle pose with hip pain”

“Can you do yoga with sore knees?”

etc.

The truth is, that yoga will fix all of these things.  One of the wonderful things about this practice is that you can completely tailor it to your own personal needs.  One of the things the instructors like to remind us is that yoga is non-competitive.  A person who is coming on their first day is getting the same amount of benefit as a person coming on their 400th day.  It is all about how much effort you put into it.  In the midst of the pain and the struggle is where you get the benefit, and whether that struggle happens just trying to lock your standing knee in standing head to knee pose, or in actually touching your forehead to your knee, you’re getting the same amount of benefit.

Yoga’s job is to reform your body.  Sometimes in yoga my lower back does still hurt, but I can work around the pain by working really hard in the spine strengthening series, and skipping the sit ups.  Eventually that pain will heal, and I will be stronger for it.  I know I write about pain that I am struggling with a lot, but please don’t let that scare you away.  My favourite instructor, Julia, told me that when you begin practicing yoga sometimes old injuries you thought had healed flare up again.  Not because what you are doing is bad, but because they are finally after all this time getting healed.  It does hurt sometimes, but you have to trust your body.  Working through the difficulties is part of the discipline you learn practicing yoga.  And keep in mind, that while I may be a little bit obsessed with Bikrams, I am only a beginner really.  I am two weeks in to my 30 day challenge so of course I am going through the worst part right now.  My body is struggling to relearn and rediscover itself.  I am reopening old wounds, and finally allowing them to heal.  My body and my mind are learning to reinterpret each other.  So when I talk about experiencing pain or discomfort, I think it is a good thing.  It’s part of the process.

We live in an over medicated society.   If you have lower back pain, hip pain, knee pain, headaches… whatever, ignoring it will not make it better, taking an ibuprofen does not cure anything.  The only way to fix anything (your health or anything else) is to work really really hard at it.

Bikram says better to be in pain for 90 minutes than 90 years.

Use yoga as a tool to strengthen your body and reform those areas which are causing you pain.  Mental areas, physical areas, they will be fixed.  The hardest, most uncomfortable postures are the most important to work 120% harder at because that is where you need it most.  So just do it already.  I promise you will thank me when you are 90 and still fit as a fiddle and, as Katie said, you die of old age while skiing down a mountain.  Doing what you love forever.

Class today:

went really well.  I have been having balancing problems lately.  I just can’t seem to stay upright in the standing series, but in other areas I feel like I’m making lots of improvement.  I’m definitely feeling like I have more endurance, I’ve been breathing really well, and keeping my stomach contracted.  I feel like I am getting much stronger.  I do need to start focusing on my balance more though, I think learning how to balance is part of the meditation part of yoga, and it really teaches you to communicate with your body.  I have experienced this every day in toe stand.  This has been a very difficult posture for me to be able to balance in.  I can’t remember which teacher said this, but she said while we were in toe stand to just focus on our bodies and figure out what needed to change in order for us to get our balance.  Since then, I have just really focused on my body during that posture.  Trying to tease out what needs to be contracted, where my weight needs to shift.  I haven’t been able to be perfect in this posture, but I have made a lot of improvement in it and I can balance a bit now.

I think now that my body knows the series so well, it is time to focus on my mind, because I know (and I’ve written it before) that is where the practice really starts.  I know that any improvement I make from here until day 30 and beyond, will be because of my mental endurance.  If I really work on that the rest of the practice will follow.  I have the series totally memorized, and I have to stop counting down the postures to the end of class.  It just takes me out of it.  One thing that seems to help me do this, is making myself stay in the room and relax and meditate for a while before I leave.  If I know I will be doing that it helps me stay more focused.  I guess because it makes me feel in less of a rush to run out and do the next thing on my agenda.

Seeing the improvement in my circulation has really make me motivated to begin another challenge.  I’ve decided to take eight blood sugars a day for the last 15 days of my challenge.  Partly because I’m curious what the yoga is doing to my body.  Mostly because I feel so good right now, that I want to know how much better it can get.  I’m being greedy now I know… but I want this so badly.  I have come to realize in the past two weeks how precious my body is, and how important it is to take care of it.  When I take care of my body, it takes care of me.  I want to be taken care of.

Amazing that two weeks straight of yoga did what two years of therapy never could.

Go to a class today.  Do it for yourself… don’t even wait just go.  You will be so happy.