It has occurred to me recently how quickly things can change. I experienced something I have not experienced before in a yoga class today, and that was anger.

As I went through my postures, I felt exasperated by the repetition of the practice. I have always believed in two things regarding Bikrams: 1. that it really can in some way cure all ills, and 2. that it is important to let all feelings flow freely through you, but anger is not a feeling I ever expected to feel.

I was angry because I feel helpless in so many ways. I feel like life can change in an instant, and the monotony of Bikrams, the meditative repetition, did not prepare me for that. Things life brings at us — death, a new job, a move, a break up — don’t come in repetitive waves. These things come at you suddenly, leaving you to handle them however you can; leaving you to struggle to make the best of them, or just live through them.

What about one day when you can’t do Bikram’s anymore? What about one day when you can’t get out of bed anymore? Do you struggle on? Find new things to live for, new people to count on? Someone once told me that I was so strong, but when things changed around me, or happened suddenly, I became paralyzed. “I don’t know why you do this,” he told me, “but it scares me.” Bikrams has taught me how to move through a series of steps, how to follow along a path when I already know the way. I don’t know how to make a new one.

-C

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